This is My Story

Its 4:30am and I’m awake again. Fatigued, restless, anxious, nauseated. My mind spinning scenes I can’t escape, like being forced to watch endless clips of a pornographic film that I’m not in, and my husband is the star of. It never ends. I am shattered. He sleeps soundly next to me, relieved to no longer…

How It All Ended & How I Began to Begin Again

On this day one year ago I completed filling out divorce papers. January 1, 2019 was my liberation day. This day came after 14 years spent in a marriage with a narcissistic abuser and in a narcissistic religion. I took the blame for all the pain in my life. If I wasn’t happy and healthy,…

An Open Letter to Women Involved with My Ex-husband (Or, Life With a Narcissist)

To those concerned with the many possible ramifications of me writing this letter, Rest easy.  I would never actually give this letter to any woman involved with my ex.  It would only confirm to her (in her mind) that I am what he’s made me out to be and cause her to bond even more…

I am Not Okay

Its October now.  August 16th marked 1 years since I learned my husband was living a secret double life.  I haven’t written in so long because so much happens so fast and it’s highly emotional, I get too overwhelmed to organize my thoughts. Last June we had our 3rd polygraph.  I still have not received…

Transformations

  About a year ago a friend of mine got pretty intense into fitness. She was spending hours at the gym each day and doing workouts at home as well.  She frequently posted pics of herself leaving for the gym on Facebook and videos and selfies of herself working out at the gym or at…

The Pits

  One of the things that I did during the first month of this betrayal trauma disaster was research the stages of grief.  Alongside that I researched what the healing process typically is for women in similar circumstances.  I wanted a road map.  I wanted an idea of what to expect.  People kept commenting, “You…

The Mess that is Me

I’m still a mess, in case you were wondering. I’ve been silent for some time.  I teeter between having absolutely no words and having so many words there’s no way I can sort them out.  They’re probably one and the same issues.                 The last time I wrote my husband and I were still separated. …

Separation- part 3

  Click here for part 1 Click here for part 2   We were originally planning to leave for the cabin Saturday but as it turned out there was an apostle coming to speak to our area on religious freedom Saturday night plus our 8 year old had a friend being baptized that day and…

Separation- part 2

Click here for part 1   For the following very long 8 days we traded our boys back and forth every other night.  My husband was staying at his parent’s house and they were out of town so they had boy’s sleepovers with him.  My daughter wants nothing to do with my husband and hasn’t…

Separation- part 1

On Friday September 13th my husband rode with me to my counseling appointment and took the kids to Costco to pick some things up while I had my session. My counselor looked concerned when she saw me.  I was feeling pretty okay emotionally, I was just very tired.  We talked the whole time.  That probably…

Hiring Females

The hiring of females fiasco began back in November.  My husband had had a family friend and member of our church ward working for him since last May.  This is the first and only employee he had ever had at his office up until that point.  His practice is just 18 months old now.  I…