This is My Story

Its 4:30am and I’m awake again. Fatigued, restless, anxious, nauseated.
My mind spinning scenes I can’t escape, like being forced to watch endless clips of a pornographic film that I’m not in, and my husband is the star of. It never ends.
I am shattered.
He sleeps soundly next to me, relieved to no longer be living a lie.
Twelve years of loving and serving this man. Twelve years of birthing his babies and raising them largely in his absence, having given up my aspirations so he can pursue his career… and I find out that all that time he never chose me. Even when he proposed, even when we said our vows, even when we were sealed in the temple, it was a lie. He made no commitment to me at all.
Sometimes the only comfort is that God knows every single thing I’ve tried, sacrificed, fought for, and mourned the loss of all these years. One of the most painful things is the injustice of it all. I was lied to constantly. I was made a fool. I was raped by STDs and other women and their lover’s energies. My babies were put at risk. I was lied about, and those lies used to justify his behaviors to himself and to other women. I was emotionally abused and neglected. I watched as my children were emotionally abused. I pleaded with God. I hung by a very thin thread, for years on end. I researched how to improve my marriage. I did all I could to be the best wife and mother I could be. I served others. I kept trying to engage him in the lives of me and our children. I took him to several marriage counselors. I reached out to Bishops. I tried desperately to find things that I could do that would make him happy. But it was never enough. I was never enough. It ALL went unseen and unappreciated. I lost 73 lbs and he didn’t notice. That is how invisible I was to him.
Still, here he lays, at my side, arms around me, as I replay all his sins in my mind and bear the crushing burden of his choices. Why is he here beside me? Why don’t I leave? How do I do this?
I hear these questions often and there is no simple answer. So, here is my story.

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3 thoughts on “This is My Story

  1. I’m sorry you are here and part of the community of betrayeds. But know that it is a safe community, a supportive group of outstanding, brave, beautiful women who support each other in the paths toward our healing. Keep writing, BP. We are listening. HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry you find yourself part of the club no one signed up for. Like SS said…keep writing. We are here for you. (((Hugs)))

    Like

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