The hiring of females fiasco began back in November. My husband had had a family friend and member of our church ward working for him since last May. This is the first and only employee he had ever had at his office up until that point. His practice is just 18 months old now. I felt safe with this person. She is someone I’ve known for 4 years and I know that she would never be interested in my husband nor would he ever be interested in her… In fairness, less unforeseen things have happened in the world of sex addiction, but still, I felt safe with this arrangement. This employee’s husband obtained more gainful employment and so she decided to quit working and stay at home. She committed to staying to the end of December. This gave them a few weeks to find and train someone new. They were looking for 2 full time employees to share front desk tasks and help with note writing since the business has grown to a point where one front desk person isn’t really enough anymore. This situation rocked what little sense of safety I had in a big way. My husband was about to hire 2 people who were complete strangers to me, and likely they would be women because very few men apply for these types of jobs.
They posted the job and got about 40 applicants, 8 of which were men. They called all of the applicants and invited them for interviews. Of the 8 men, only 2 returned their calls and only 1 of those men actually showed up for the interview. Looking at this man’s resume he had had many jobs over the past 2 years and it was clear he took whatever he could get and didn’t stay with it long. This is understandably not what they were looking for. I had been very clear with my husband from the beginning- I needed him to hire men for me to feel safe. I told him that MAYBE a grandma type would be okay, that would depend. Judging by what I know about his affairs he doesn’t seem to mind older women at all, even ones who are older than him and look even older than they actually are.
He ended up hiring an 84 year old woman who had been working in Chiropractic offices doing front desk work for the past 14 years. This seemed ideal. They didn’t realize she was quite that old until after they hired her and needed to scan her ID, she had not noted her age on her paperwork. She definitely fit the bill for grandma type, I met her one time. The other woman they hired was in her 40s and of questionable sexual preference (which could be a benefit for me). I still wasn’t too sure about this one, but no matter because she came down with strep right then and never did come in to work. A week later she messaged them asking for higher pay but they had already moved on by then. The 84 year old woman turned out to somehow be completely incompetent with technology and the job requires constant use of computers. By the 4th day she still had not learned how to open email, despite being shown a number of times. Shortly after, they let her go, and she was actually grateful because the attempt to learn so much new technology had been overwhelming to her. This was a bummer for me of course because I felt safe with her.
The concern with female employees is twofold. The obvious reason I wouldn’t be comfortable with this is that it is easy for affairs to develop in the workplace. These are people who are together for the majority of every day. My husband had acted out in the office with a woman before and I know it’s a risk that something could develop. The other concern is that even if he doesn’t get physical with a female employee he can still get “lust hits” via conversation and daily interaction with her. Most of his addiction is based on getting positive attention from women. Getting lust hits feeds his addiction and can easily lead to him relapsing and having more affairs. Of course if he were to hire an attractive woman, immodest, or a flirtatious woman, this could also cause triggers for him.
I asked him if he wouldn’t mind if I put the word of a job opening out to my WOPA recovery groups on facebook. Having a WOPA work for him, or better yet one of their addict-in-recovery husbands, would be okay with me. A number of them sent in resumes and one of their husbands sent in a resume. When I told my husband that this husband was sending in a resume he immediately responded, “No, I am not hiring a man.” This was triggering and deeply wounding for me and I can’t say I’ve healed from it yet. I was very clear that the only way for me to feel safe was for him to hire men. He should have been looking high and low for men, and only men. The thought of the possibility of hiring a woman should not have ever entered his mind. Being an addict supposedly in recovery, even if you took me completely out of the picture, he still should not have ever entertained the idea of hiring a woman. Yet here he was flat out refusing to hire any man regardless of qualification. Few men have the choice of who their co-workers are and it causes a lot of struggle for them and distress for their wives. Often times even when a man has had an affair with a female co-worker he still has to continue going to work and seeing her every day and his wife has to live with that if she chooses to stay in the marriage. My husband is in a position where he has some control over this. He doesn’t have complete control, as he has a 50/50 business partner, but to completely rule out the possibility of even considering a man was ridiculous and very damaging to me. I should mention this particular man was working for a busy medical clinic. He was experienced in the job already and was doing well. He was interested in switching jobs only because my husband’s office is closer to his home than his current job. After a discussion my husband decided to at least look at his resume. At work the next day he mentioned to his partner that a man had sent a resume over and his partner had the same immediate response, “No. No men.” Then he looked at the resume and was impressed enough to swallow his pride and invite the guy for an interview. This man was called back for a second interview, a “working” interview, which they decided to do as a sort of audition after their experience with the 84 year old woman. There were also 2 women invited back for working interviews. One of them was a good friend of my energy healing mentor who is also LDS, and the other was a woman who had responded to their ad on craigslist. FYI, craigslist is a trigger for me since my husband had affairs with so many women he met on there. Random woman from craigslist= not good from the start.
Here again, we had the discussion about what I needed to feel safe. Men or grandma. No one else. I explained to him that if he decides to hire women then I will have to choose to divorce him or stay with him feeling unsafe. He knew that divorce was a very real option. With the first round of hiring I had said that if it turns out I feel more unsafe than I can handle that I will separate until he has replaced the unsafe employee with a safe employee. With the second round I was very clear that that would no longer be an option. He knew what I needed. If he hired women knowing that I had requested he not and I was not able to live with that then there would be no point in separation, as the separation was meant for him to correct his mistake and create a safe environment. If he hired two more women it would not be an easy mistake to rectify. He got lucky the first time- they didn’t work out. The situation naturally resolved itself. He insisted as he went through both hiring processes that he was following the promptings of the Holy Spirit and just knew that this was the right choice and told me that if I didn’t feel that way I just needed to pray about it. This from a man who believed God was okay with him having affairs because our marriage was so bad. Needless to say, considering he still has a damaged brain, I don’t trust his “revelation.” Especially when he tells me God told him to do something that destroyed my sense of safety and my trust in him to protect me- he hired the 2 women. Why? Because one “wowed” him and the other was even better and really a “go getter”. And the man wasn’t as much of a “go getter.” In other words, the women were extroverts and better at interviews and the man was an introvert and would have taken a bit of time to become comfortable before really showing his gifts. But he wasn’t seeing it that way. When he made the decision to extend job offers to these women, I wasn’t informed. I asked him about it a day or two later and he was like, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. We extended offers and one of them accepted but we haven’t heard from the other one yet.” I was very upset by this. Also, when the other woman DID accept the job, he neglected to tell me that too. I had to ask. This was a very painful time for me. He chose these women over me. He chose them fully knowing that I might leave. He actually texted me and asked if I wanted him to come pack his stuff because I was going to divorce him. It seems he fully knew and even expected me to divorce him, yet he made this choice anyway. He stood firm behind the defense that God told him to. If that were true, then God doesn’t love me a whole lot. And I know that’s not true.
I chose to stay and try to tolerate the situation. I have yet to meet either of these women. I will not go into the office with them there, it’s too triggering for me. It feels as though my husband chose these women over me, and I am darn tired of him choosing other women over me! This hiring sent a huge message to me about his commitment to me and to his recovery and caused me to feel even less significant to him. This was a very, very bad thing for our marriage and for my healing. And he just kept insisting these women were approved by God and that I just needed to keep praying.
For the continuation of this story, click here.
(This entry was written 164 days after D-day on January 28, 2017)