Leveling Up

I had the strangest and most profound day today.  I’m still working to make sense of it all and put it into words, but I want to write it out before I forget it, because there’s no telling what tomorrow will bring and I am grateful for today.

This morning a dear friend reached out to me and shared heart shattering news similar in nature to my own trauma and the topic of this blog.  My heart broke with her.  I did all I could think to do for her.  Something about this situation and this particular friend started a spiritual stirring inside of me.  I don’t know if it’s because I admire her testimony and strength of faith so much or if it was just a coincidence, but a process began.

I could not identify what I was feeling or what it meant.  It didn’t feel bad… just, strange.  I cannot recall a single thought I had most of the day, I can only remember how I felt.

I’ve talked before about how God’s love left me when I needed it most.  I do not believe that God left me, but my ability to feel Him and to feel his love left me.  I have always been so connected to God and my Savior.  All my life I knew Christ, even as a child long before I ever learned of Him.  I always said how Christ was my best friend, with tears in my eyes.  Here I have been in the worst pain of my life, and no way to reach Him.  At first, I tried.  I kept reading scriptures and praying even though I got nothing back.  I believed that if I just kept doing it, if I kept that door open, I would keep myself open to feeling Him when He came back to me.  After a while the daily disappointment became unbearable and I stopped reading scriptures and mostly stopped praying and I became very angry with God.  This has weighed heavily on me.  I have heard many women express this anger toward God, and I felt for them, but not with them, because I had never experienced it and did not believe it was possible for me.  But here I was, over 3 months separated from God.

 

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Case and point.  Here I am, a month later, going to back to edit and post my entries and I didn’t finish this one on the day that it happened so I forgot to finish it at all!  I’m going to go ahead and #reallife this.  In real mom life if you get interrupted during a task you likely won’t return to it until much later. Add  trauma to real mom life and “much later” might become 1 month-never later.

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Remembering back to this day, the highlight was when this processing evolved into a tearful prayer of gratitude.  The power of gratitude is so phenomenal.  I was in my bedroom alone that afternoon and I was thinking back to when Heavenly Father revoked his Spirit from Christ on the cross.  Christ had to experience this as well.  It was a final test for Him.  I was overwhelmed by the Spirit and I felt intensely that God trusted me and that this was an important test he had given me for my benefit.  It was a gift.  He knew I would pass it, he knew I would make right choices even when tempted by Satan (I endured MANY temptations over the previous months).  Gratitude swept over me and I went straight to my knees and prayed.  I connected with God for the first time in months.  I cried out so much of my pain with Him as it was replaced with the healing balm of gratitude.  Even as I was experiencing this, I knew it could be fleeting.  But here is the good news.  I’ve learned that when there is ebb, there too is flow.  I have up days and down days.  Down days only mean there is an up day on the horizon.  Sorrow is always only temporary.  It may seem endless as we’re in it, but it isn’t.  The longest it can last is a lifetime and then be followed by an eternity of joy, but our loving Heavenly Parents build plenty of joy into this life.  We partake of it by recognizing it and being grateful for it.

 

(This entry was started 126 days after D-day on December 21, 2016 and completed on January 30, 2017)

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