About a year ago a friend of mine got pretty intense into fitness. She was spending hours at the gym each day and doing workouts at home as well. She frequently posted pics of herself leaving for the gym on Facebook and videos and selfies of herself working out at the gym or at home. She became friends with a lot of women from the gym and even recently got a job there. This all came about after learning that her husband’s struggles with pornography addiction hadn’t ended before they met like he’d said. In fact, he had been active in his addiction and hiding it for the past 2 years of their 3 year marriage. I remember watching her on this fitness journey and thinking, “That could be me.” I honestly don’t know what it was that propelled her into it. Maybe it was an escape. Maybe it was a means of self-care that helped her to focus on herself and maybe she found healing in that. Maybe it was insecurity and the anxiety of feeling she needed to “measure up.” Maybe it was a mix of things. As I watched her transform herself in this way there was some part of me that related. I don’t know if it’s the extremist in me, or the physical aspect to my energy expression or what, I just connected with what she was doing.
I’ve never been big into fitness. I’ve been a rock star with my diet but I’ve only had 2 stints of working out consistently in all my 37 years and each of those lasted only 3-4 months. Well, this past month I kind of did a “thing.” I kind of got this little flame lit under me. To build it into a full-fledged fire I joined Danette May’s 30 day challenge. I took what I needed from it that suited my “why” and left the rest. When you start the challenge she has you write down your “why” so that you can look to that ultimate goal and reason when you feel discouraged. I had a few whys.
I want to be filled with light
I want to radiate light and vitality, I want my glow back
I want people to see my spirit when they look at my body
I want to carry myself with joy and grace
I want to be free
Basically, I want myself back. I don’t want to be defined by this trauma. I want to function and have a purpose again. I’m tired of being no good to anybody. There is a time to sit in the pit and process and there is a time to start slowly, but deliberately, climbing out. Maybe I will need to sit in the pit again later, or stop for a break on my way up, but right now I need to climb.
What I most wanted to get out of this, aside from my whys, was making daily fitness a habit and a joy, doing something loving to care for myself, and gaining light through the meditations and affirmations that are part of the program. I guess what I wanted was to learn to love myself. The challenge ends in 5 days and I think it has effectively moved me forward. What I didn’t follow was the dietary recommendations and recipes, my regular diet is healthier and more cleansing than hers and I can’t digest foods in the combinations she prescribes. [Although I will say that for people just starting out on a healthy eating journey her dietary recommendations are perfect, I eased in to where I’m at.] I also wasn’t great about drinking a gallon of water a day. I really struggle with water drinking and it’s tough to keep track of how much I get in when kids drink out of my glass frequently. I started out forcing it down and trying to drink on a schedule but it became so stressful I decided it was doing more harm than good.
One huge thing did happen in the middle of this- I lost the desire to restrict food. I have been restricting food since I was 12 years old. When I don’t, I gain weight very quickly. Food restriction has always been my only tool to keep from gaining. I’ve reached a place where I’ve accepted that it isn’t food that’s making me fat. I don’t eat a diet that allows for weight gain. I eat a very nutrient dense, low fat, high carb, plant based diet. I lost 73 lbs eating this way 8 years ago. Then I got pregnant with my 4th child 4 years ago and have struggled with my weight ever since. It isn’t the food. The food is awesome. There are so many reasons why our bodies hold weight (emotions, stress, lack of adequate sleep, hormone imbalances, thyroid dysfunction, etc). I think I’ve always insisted on focusing on food because it was the one thing I felt I had control over. Now I’ve had this mental shift where I want to nurture and nourish myself in ALL ways, food included. I want to eat all the food my body needs to feel comfortable. I want to eat clean, healthy foods and I want the freedom to eat not so healthy foods here and there as desired. I want to experience joy in what I eat. I don’t want to wake up 8 times a night because I’m too hungry to sleep. I just want to move my body and feed my body. Besides that, I now have the tools I need to find and correct the causes of my weight gain through energy healing. I just wasn’t ready to claim the blessing of healing before. Being sick was serving me in several ways. I’m ready to let that go now.
Now here’s the tricky part, being a person prone to extremes I wonder if I’m crossing the line into obsessive exercising now that I’m not obsessing over food. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just that it feels SO good to be moving! Maybe it’s because I’m loving the feeling of increased strength. Maybe it’s just a form of self-love that feels so incredibly good. Whatever it is, I really struggle to keep my workouts to an hour a day. Up until now I was a 20 minutes 4-5 days a week kind of believer. Now I honestly would love to work out 3 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. If I didn’t have so much mom guilt over neglecting my children while I workout I absolutely would be working out 2-4 hours a day. I will for sure keep exploring and analyzing the payoff to make sure it’s a healthy one. For now though, it is transforming me. Not just physically… honestly there is no outward evidence of any change… but I feel stronger than I’ve felt in… maybe ever. It feels completely different to move around. Even the smallest movements feel different. I feel like I’m loving in a new body. So many movements that were once a chore are now effortless. I’m carrying myself fully upright and I feel like this increases my light and helps me to feel emotionally stronger as well. So, thus far, all good things have come of it. One thing I am very excited to report- I am NOT doing this out of insecurity. I truly feel that I am 100% enough, no matter what my husband sees or appreciates or what choices he makes. Regardless of whether my efforts ever show externally. Regardless of numbers on a scale. No one determines my value but God, and I know where I stand in my Heavenly Parent’s sight.
(This entry was written 265 days beyond D-day)