I am Not Okay

Its October now.  August 16th marked 1 years since I learned my husband was living a secret double life.  I haven’t written in so long because so much happens so fast and it’s highly emotional, I get too overwhelmed to organize my thoughts.

Last June we had our 3rd polygraph.  I still have not received a copy of that.  While we were in the office immediately afterward the polygrapher spoke with me and explained that my husband passed the first 2 questions with flying colors- this is great news because question #1 was asking if he had been completely sexually sober and question #2 asked about behavior with minors and children. But, question #3, which asked if it is true that I was the first person he had ever had sexual intercourse with, was sketchy.  At the time my understanding was that the polygrapher was telling me it was up to me to determine it a pass, fail, or inconclusive.  After several weeks of discussing it with my husband and trying to determine why it wasn’t an easy pass I emailed the polygrapher and told him we will just determine it inconclusive.  He answered back and told me it was technically a pass, but just barely, and tried to explain numbers that make no sense to me.  I left it at that expecting he would then have the report sent to me, but he hasn’t.  I need to follow up on that.  After extensive questioning of my husband the best I can come up with is that because he was naked and rubbing genitals together with women before me there could have been a tiny bit of penetration but he was a clueless teenager and wasn’t even sure what was what with female anatomy, so he can’t really say for certain that there wasn’t even a tiny bit of penetration, but he tried to say it on the test and it didn’t turn out perfect.  There is a slight chance there was some penetration he wasn’t aware of.  He was shocked and baffled that it wasn’t an easy pass, just like the last 2 polygraphs he failed.  I finally just gave up on the question because the only reason I was asking it was to see where his honesty was.  It was a red flag kind of question.  I had asked him several times if it was really true that I was the first women and he insisted I was.  If he was lying about that he would be lying about other things.  That was the purpose of the question.  Whether or not a millimeter of penis entered a vagina is far beside the point and was a ridiculous thing to even be debating about.  We have much bigger problems with all the women he slept with after we were married.

I expected the year mark to be a painful day for me, but it wasn’t.  I realized it late in the morning that is was August 16th and basically just acknowledged it and moved on and forgot about it.  I wasn’t bothered.  This is extremely rare.  I frequently hear women in pain during the time of their d-day anniversary.  I was expecting the same.  My husband did want to go out to dinner for his 1 year sobriety anniversary (which is 3 days before my d-day anniversary).  We went as a family.  I think it’s a dumb thing to celebrate, because he should have always been sexually sober, but he wanted to celebrate it so I just told myself it’s just a normal dinner and went along with it and it was fine.  It didn’t have any meaning for me and he was happy.

Recently our family is quite falling apart.  We have one child self-harming, one suicidal, and one stealing money, food, and cell phones daily and lying constantly.  The self-harming child is having many health issues and is being referred to a pediatric cardiologist.  The suicidal child has developed some kind of cough issue and is on meds.  We’ve been to the ER with him twice.  We’re waiting on test results for both of them.  The past few weeks my chronic illnesses have flared up in a big way and I’ve been largely home bound because of it.  I live on the couch on heat pads because the pain is too much.  I’ve been on ibuprofen all day every day since March due to severe headaches I’ve had since I had my wisdom teeth removed, which was followed by a long and painful recovery involving dry sockets and 2 sublingual muscle infections.  My husband has had dangerously high diastolic blood pressure for many years and that is getting very concerning.  He has also had random bouts of migraine with hard vomiting in the wee hours of the morning for years.  It happens every few months and we don’t know why.  I had hoped his body would heal once he let go of his secrets.

Mostly though, the point of this post is to say: I am not okay.  It’s been over a year.  The only improvement I see is that I haven’t felt suicidal in several months.  Some things are worse, some are the same.  I have a tremendous amount of anger and no safe way to release it.  I’ve done all the things there are to do to heal and they have not helped.  I feel very alone despite the support I have.  Everyone’s situation is so unique and it’s very difficult to find anyone with a similar situation to mine.  I can’t find anyone with a similar situation who is years down the road and still married and doing well.  I’m hanging on to a very thin thread of hope.

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(This entry was written 14 months beyond D-day)

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